Workers on Wheels, Ibiza’s Accommodation Problems Solved.

Advice From A Hipster

Advice for Ibiza’s young, free and single workers.

Now just for clarity I am not a young, free and single worker myself, but I’m pretty down with you kids. What with your myspace, instant porn and your wacky horse tranquillisers, I’m still with it man.

So this is the score. A bed in a shared apartment jam packed with socially dysfunctional barely human casualties will cost you 800€ a month for Ibiza’s summer season.

That is 4,800€ for the season, plus the loss of your deposit and in all likelihood a good deal of your dignity.

On Sale Now

For that same amount you could go mobile with your very own motorhome. Luxurious? Definitely not. Better than that 800€ a month bed in an apartment? Almost certainly yes.

Post Party Pad

But there is more.

You get to park outside the party. While everyone else is trying to straighten up enough to either attempt or prevent taxi queue jumping, or getting funked up enough to deal with the night-bus, you get to carry on your own private party in what will feel like the best penthouse in town at that very special time in the morning.

Plus you get to see Ibiza. Amazing how many workers do not explore the island. I know a guy working in the bay who hasn’t been past Stevie Ds all summer. I know it’s a hassle and you have to get stuff together and plan transport and stuff. Bot hold on there a minute, unless of course you don’t, and everything you have to get together is already together and inside your transport. Can you see where that’s going?

This getting about thing is not said in a dull tourist board ‘visit Ibiza’s rich cultural heritage’ kind of way, though if that is your bag it will help with that too. I’m talking more in terms of opening up so much more of Ibiza’s underground and off the beaten track parties. The locals places that you don’t even know the name of yet, but soon will once you get out and about. Only then will you see the best of Ibiza’s party life and realise how limiting your manor has been up to now.

This double bubble of island mobility and a post party pad will make your time in Ibiza much better, of that I have no doubt.

Almost Human

And there’s more.

It will also make Ibiza a lot cheaper day to day. There are all the taxi / transport fares covered plus you’ll save a fortune going to where stuff is cheaper instead of where it is close enough to face walking in the August heatwave. Instead of that daily tourist priced basket from the supermarket downstairs, or the trek of Sahara crossing proportions lugging half your body-weight in water and crisps back from Lidl, you’ll be pushing a trolley round Mercadona like, well like a human.

You get to bring more of your stuff with you which will make it better and cheaper in some ways for sure, and from day one you can apply for jobs island wide with a bigger advantage than good looks and huge tits by answering the question ‘have you got accommodation’ with a straight ‘yes, already sorted’.

And the best is yet to come. At the end of the summer, instead of some scumbag landlord refusing to return your deposit on the totally groundless basis that you are a complete slob and live like an animal (though you are and do), you get to return with your mobile home still worth roughly the same, minus the damage caused that night you regret inviting those 6 Scouse lads back for afters, and the not to be overlooked 2 grand for your transit.

But even after the cost of getting over here you are still hugely quids in, and you’ve had a much better time.


Only fair to mention that the Ibizan authorities are technically clamping down on fly-parked camper vans, but I know a few people who have lived that way without hassle. Just don’t stay any one place for too long and don’t draw too much attention going mental. But actually, if you do fuck up, the camper van is again your best friend. You can just drive off somewhere else instead of living next door to angry neighbours for the next 5 months, or facing the sniggering disgust of the housemates who saw what you were doing with those two stale baguettes and a 60 year old granny from Merthyr. You filthy weirdo.

It’s cheaper. It’s better. And it’s a private environment for sexual deviancy.

Workers on Wheels, it’s the way forward.



This is probably terrible advice. Or illegal. Or will outrage someone. i think it started out as a reasonably serious proposal, and got lost somewhere along the way. Best ignore everything I said.