Over the past weekend, strange circle patches have been observed in the Bay of San Antonio, and we are delighted to announce that it has been officially confirmed that the phenomenon are NOT the fault of lager swilling English Football Hooligans.

A spokesperson for the Marine authorities has confirmed that the large areas of both light and dark coloured circles are actually caused by the increasingly common floods of jellyfish coming into shore during the winter months. The absence of the English Hooligan scapegoat has caused some concern in the corridors of power with one politician saying there was a real possibility they may have to ‘do something’. This was exacerbated when Google mis-translated the word ‘scapegoat’ resulting in Police marksmen taking up sniper positions.

It's not our fault!
It’s not our fault!

After some debate it was agreed to ban jellyfish from San Antonio’s coastal waters including a 723m perimeter leading from somewhere random to an overly complicated location during the hours of 17:24 and 19:22 on Mondays and Fridays during weeks cars are parked on south facing side of Vara de Rey. A budget of 16,32€ has been allocated together with one enforcement officer who has immediately departed on a fact finding mission to Barbados. An opposition party spokesman said the jellyfish were a trifling matter however nobody got the joke as it didn’t translate at all.

Meanwhile English Hooligans everywhere celebrated their moment of Inglés inocencia in the run up to St George’s day. We went to San Antonio west end to seek the opinions of those most affected. Unfortunately we couldn’t find any Englishmen among the 17 Irish, 13 Scottish, 4 Welsh and 2 Outer Hebridean bars that now comprise the West End. One helpful chap sporting a jolly shock of red hair said “we dinnae want English pooftas round here laddie, don’t yooz be showing ya face after dark, ya kin” by which we understand there to be a masked ball later this evening, for which they are bringing in additional seating for the comfort of ladies. Jolly decent wot wot?