• By Anne Impostar

Ibiza’s rich and famous VIP elite abound in the height of the August heat. Oh yes, it’s hot and they’ve got the lot, with which to trot.

See them sauntering along the Botafoch boulevard like a summer smorgasbord of tasty temptations to our traditional Ibiza Neapolitan pickpockets pairs, and yes it’s true, most weeks we would kill a charity rescue hedgehog to be just like them. Rich.

“God above, are you listening God? Never mind your son, why hath thou forsaken me in not having enough valuable stuff for a snatcher. When is it our turn to be turned over?”

That would be a prayer many of us would say if we went to church. But we don’t. But we can still blame God if we want as he’s a kind of gas, and is everywhere all around us.

Sugar Pussies

But this week only, oh no! I repeat, NO! Do not be looking up at the high rolling rich guys or the sugar pussies dripping with their flash cash. Because this week those people were pulled off their high horses and made to be like those smelly people who ask for money outside supermarkets, and you can’t get much lower than that. I ask you, put some money in my paper cup, I mean, I think if you can afford to be splurging on paper cups it’s you who should be giving money to me. Bastard.one day I’ll learn enough Spanish to explain to him exactly what I mean.

But why? I hear you say. Not why are the paper cup beggars bastards, I think that’s pretty obvious, so unless you are some kind of idiot, your ‘why’ is wanting to know why the rich are to be scorned and ridiculed this week at every opportunity. It is a good question, I’m glad you asked it, and here’s the answer.

Exotic Wife

This week. By their own choice, and nothing to do with opening a fete or anything like that. The right royal Duke Harry of Windsor and his charming, delightful and yes we dare say exotic wife the Duchess Megan of Markle, came to Ibiza for their holiday. Correct, it’s not a dream.

You can send us your Russian oligarchs, your Californian tech billionaires, and your Albanian car dealers, but nothing is like the real deal Royalty of the Royal Family – and FYI, it is no coincidence they are called that.


The exciting facts became known to us quite soon. It became clear that Harry and Megan were in Ibiza and staying at a private Villa. They would be here for some days, and then leaving. And it was Megan’s birthday, and what an honour for our humble island to be chosen for that very special anniversary, the never to be repeated 38th.

Are You Mental?

However, disaster! This Royal reporting malarkey must be harder than it looks, as we’d managed to tell everything we knew in one paragraph – which is quite literally, not enough for a newspaper. We were in a bind, we had to act fast, like it was a newspaper office in black and white 1954 with people shouting ‘stop the presses’ and ‘hold the front page’ and ‘they’ll be equal pay over my dead body, are you mental?’.

We had to follow the tried and tested British media solution in all times of Royal hysteria through to mild panic. We needed a Royal expert insider, and we needed it stat, whatever that means.

And so, on this great occasion, we are joined by our own Royal expert who will be sharing their insight and knowledge with us today. Welcome to the sofa Virginia Perineum-Superior

Virginia Perineum-Superior, Right Royal Expert Insider. 

  • NG: Virginia, or may I call you ‘maam, let’s get straight to the important questions of the day. I hear you have some cracking inside track on what the Duchess will be wearing today

VPS: “Hi, good morning, ya, well that is of course the question very much on everybody’s mind today, and I can say I think that Meghan, of course with her reputation for being a strong and independent person, ya, of course, may break with tradition and choose to wear a hat for the occasion, ya, very much, I know, I know, remarkable, ya, or of course it is possible she may choose not to wear a hat, which is of course ultimately a decision she will take”

  • NG: Fascinating

VPS: well quite, and of course Megan will be aided by the advice of those closest to the tradition of Royal events back through the generations, which is when most traditions did actually start, and it goes without saying that this is of course something she can look forward to in the future in an official capacity, ya, I know, but for today at least protocol does dictate that any such advice would have to be made informally and not in an official capacity. Ya, but whether Ms Markel, it still seems so unfamiliar to use the name of an actor in Royal context, I know, ya, but let’s all try to get used to it for the Duchess, ya, amazing from such a modest and humble background, ya, American as well as if actor wasn’t enough, but whether the current Ms Markel, will choose to break with tradition adorning a hat, or keep to the Royal way of not wearing a hat, by 11 O’Clock today we will know for sure one way, or perhaps even another, and that will keep us and the millions watching at home on tenterhooks for the next 6 hours.

  • NG: I couldn’t be more excited if, er, sorry, I can’t think of anything else to say. Just carry on.

VPS: No, I mean don’t be, we are all processing so much, and I have to say, I must say, ya, that there are whispers of concern in Royal corridors, which are of course the most important corridors of all. People are saying, how will Her Majesty react to any wilful act by Ms Markel? Ya, well of course, and there is some reason to think the Queen may have already talked to Prince Harry, who is of course her grandson, something that will not have gone unnoticed behind the scenes at the Palace, ya, for sure, I know, and using the young Prince and his friendship with Ms Markel, ya, absolutely, they are really quite close now, in contact most days by telephone, by various means of contact, ya, totally, various, meeting together of course, ya, often,

  • NG: But they’re married, surely they see each other every day

VPS: sure, sure, sure, I know, I totally agree, but also if I could just finish, the Queen may use the happy coincidence of Prince Harry being a close relative and saying to Harry, perhaps, ya, we are very pleased to have Ms Markle bring a new eth, er, ethni, er, ya, ethni, energy, ya, a new energy to the household, but when it comes to the big decisions of the day, decisions such as these, we need her not to cause embarrassment, ya, and embarrassment is of course something the Royals always prefer to avoid, if possible, which it often is.

  • NG: Hang on, did you say Prince Harry? It’s Duke isn’t it? You’re meant to know this stuff. I can look it up in Wikipedia if you want.

VPS: Ya, ya, well actually a Prince becomes a Duke when he stops being a Prince. I mean, you never hear of an old Prince do you?

  • NG: Prince Phillip?

VPS: But he is a foreign Prince, a completely different thing and several steps down from a true British Prince

  • NG: I can’t understand anything you are saying.

VPS: Delighted, sure, hats, of course, so we can say for certain, without any doubt at all, that the Queen may have made her views known to Meghan, either through Harry or possibly even directly, I know, amazing to even think of such a thing, ya, modern, of course, or the other possibility is that the Queen actually chose not to share her views, whatever those views may be, it being entirely her decision and hers alone, ya, absolutely, ya, and that is one thing we can say is that the Queen will know the answer to the question of how she is thinking. We can make informed predictions, but the Queen does have the advantage that it is her own thoughts, inside her own head, something which we public are not privy too, and some would say, ya, that it is quite right this way and the way it should be. For sure, ya, privacy is so important to the Royals, now perhaps even more than when privacy was less important, ya, but definitely, absolutely without doubt we can be sure that if Ms Markel, our future Duchess, indeed a Duchess now in many ways,

  • NG: What?

VPS: amazing, an American, ya, if Ms Markle has become aware of the Queen’s wishes, she may or may not take those wishes into her own thinking when she decides whether to wear a hat, or not to wear a hat, ya, ya, no for sure, I know, ya, and even more we can say now is that the decision will have been taken some days ago, possibly even much longer, some people think a week, even a fortnight, but a decision it will be. On that we are one hundred and fifty percent certain, ya, of course, amazing to think that while we are here talking Ms Markel is waking up already knowing the answer to our question. Will she or won’t she? Whatever it is, this is bound to be a fascinating day of Royal history in the making.”

  • NG: Get out now.

Thanks and credits to; The cake was pinched from The Sweetest Thing blog, Whoever took the widely used source photo of Prince Harry & Meghan. Whoever’s building it is in Ibiza. Last and most certainly least, to ‘Royal Commentators’ everywhere. That unique branch of journalism that rejects usual notions of ability and knowledge, instead adopting the criteria of having a posh enough accent for it to be conceivable that they attended the same prep school as a minor Royal, and also an ability to maintain inane vacuous ramblings interspersed with random conjecture based on no authoritative information whatsoever. I love you all for being so truly awful.