A Jolly Decent Show – The Royal Wedding 9 Most Talked About

Includes Black Man Shouting, Rebellious Gloves, Humiliation Hats, and a whole load of Bitchin’

  • Nick Gibbs

The much anticipated wedding of Prince Harry to Meghan Markle has taken place today, Saturday 19th of May, and the general consensus of opinion is of a jolly decent show all round.

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Though delighted for the happy couple, we must concede that our experience of Royal matrimonial matters is somewhat lacking. We have a pretty good idea what our readers will want to know as far as Ibiza’s wacky ways are concerned, however the significance of a peony posy, beyond being a perfectly pretty bunch of flowers, is as much a mystery to team Ibizan as our island ways would be to anyone with past experience of Government policies following some form of logic.

Never fear dear reader, as in our determination to bring you all the important Royal Wedding news, we have looked to the wisdom of The Independent’s Rachel Hosie, who, through years of Royal expert-dom, has kindly directed us in all matters important. Well it’s the Independent right, quality paper, what could go wrong?

1. Amal v Posh

I will admit I was surprised that a topic relating to the ceremony or the couple’s future happiness might be the Number 1 wedding topic, but according to Rachel you are all far more concerned with whether human rights lawyer Amal Clooney, wearing yellow, had a bigger effect on the twittersphere (?) than Posh, who apparently wasn’t smiling. Are you really bothered? Can we skip this? Sorry, I just don’t want to do it, you can read it in the ‘quality broadsheet’ the Independent if you want to.

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2. Princesses Eugenie & Beatrice’s hats

This centres on the princesses wearing hats that Rachel considered too flamboyant at the last wedding. Now, idiots, can you believe it, they’ve only gone and worn hats that are not flamboyant enough. I was going to skip by it for similar reasons to Amal and Posh in point 1, until I read the last line which sounds pretty serious,

Rachel says “Disappointingly however, the princesses swung completely the other way and decided to play it safe with their somewhat boring choice of hats. Perhaps the princesses are yet to recover from their humiliation seven years ago.”

Seriously? A hat so bad it can invoke 7 years of humiliation? Are these hats still on the streets? And what are we going to do to help the Princesses Rachel? I mean you must want to help them get over the trauma Rachel right? The only other reason you’d make that comment is if you were some nasty, vicious little bitch who would somehow revel in another person’s seven year millinery misery – and it can’t be that can it, not with you being a Royal expert and working for the Independent and all?

For Clarity

I feel I should reiterate at this point that I am not cherry picking here, trying to find the odd slip up of Rachel. These are her 9 things ‘being most talked about’, in an article by that name. I have to mention it because to me it frankly seems mental. But I’m not a Royal insider-expert, so what do I know?

Perhaps things will improve.

3. Fergie arrived!?

Well unfortunately we do not seem to have upped our game at all. In fact I think this is one of the most ridiculous, puerile, bitchy, pieces of crap I have ever seen in the media.

Fair dos though, I’ll give her the first Fergie point. “Considering Sarah Ferguson, ex-wife of Prince Andrew, was apparently rather unhappy about not making the guest list for Prince Charles’s evening reception, it was widely thought she wouldn’t be attending the wedding at all.” You nailed that one Rachel – we’ve talked about little else down the pub, and the smart money was on a no show. But there’s more. Rachel rambles on …

“So when Fergie arrived, looking incredibly pleased with herself, gasps of shock erupted across the world. This was followed by expressions of confusion as she was for some unknown reason wearing just the one glove. An act of rebellion, perhaps?“

Glad she pointed that out as I didn’t have a clue what all the worldwide gasps were in aid of, and the following universal confusion had me baffled. But more importantly, what is going on with rich people’s clothing? They have hats that leave you suicidal for 7 years, and gloves that threaten to initiate an uprising. Where do they buy these clothes, and why do they want them? I can select all sorts of options when I’m shopping at Asos – size, colour, style, but I’ve never yet refined my search by threat of psychological damage, or usefulness when storming the winter palace.

I mean what planet is this woman on? That her world is so shallow to react with such bitchy intent is sad enough, but to think the rest of us are with her on this? We’re not are we? If anybody reading this did any one of – gasp in shock, experienced a collection sense of confusion, or asses her single glove as having rebellious overtones – please let me know. I expect the reality of what most of us thought when we saw Fergie, if we thought anything at all, is ‘there’s Fergie’.

You may be getting the sense by now that I have something of an aversion to these society/gossip/Royal commentators. You would be correct.

A Jolly Decent Show, The Royal Wedding 9 Most Talked About

4. Pippa Middleton as can of ice tea

No, sorry, I can’t be bothered, let’s move on, we’re nearly half way.

5. Prince Harry is wearing a ring

Brilliant, it had to come up, something actually about the wedding. Apparently Royals don’t usually wear a ring. At the outset of Rachel’s guide I’d have considered that fact fairly inane, but in the context of everything else, I’ll take it.  Fascinating stuff.

6. Meghan half walked down aisle

More wedding stuff, sounds promising. Sadly not, as Rachel’s first comment is that “In something of a feminist statement, the now-Duchess of Sussex entered the chapel unaccompanied and began her walk down the aisle by herself.”

I might not be privy to the radical feminist left wing, but I expect that even the jam making arm of the W.I. would like to think that women’s lib had got them some way further than the ability to walk unaided. Ride into church on a Harley Davidson screaming all men are rapists and punching the vicar, and I’ll consider it a feminist statement. Walking a little way on your own is just what most of us would call walking. I think Rachel is barking up the wrong tree there. Well she’s definitely barking.

7. The pageboy’s priceless reaction

Cute pageboy goes viral on social media. Well I’ll leave that one at the comment I’ve seen cuter.

A Jolly Decent Show, The Royal Wedding 9 Most Talked About

8. Bishop Curry’s address

Frankly I’m terrified to read this one. If Fergie wearing one glove indicates an attempt to overthrow the throne, how is Rachel going to deal with a Black man shouting stuff?  Badly is how …“And it seemed some of the wedding guests weren’t quite sure how to respond; younger members of the royal family appeared to be stifling laughs, while their older relatives simply looked utterly confused by the unconventional address.”

Nice swerve there Rachel, possibly putting your thoughts over onto the Royals? I think what was actually happening was that some Royals were wearing their uncontrollable laughing socks, and the older relatives do just look utterly confused, because they are old and utterly confused. I’ve a feeling you would have been pretty uncomfortable with a shouting black man though, and if you haven’t made a bitchy aside to one of your fellow bitches by the end of the day, along the lines of ‘well I knew this would happen, once you let one in …’ I would be amazed.

BTW – Just to mention, you seem to have forgotten to mention anything at all of what he said.

9. The gospel choir

Thankfully Rachel found the gospel choir far less threatening, presumably as singing is much more what is expected of black people than shouting. Indeed she enjoyed it so much that she declares “we (Royal ‘we’ I noticed – you’ve been around them too long love, getting ideas above your station), ‘we’ predict a new craze at weddings across the UK.”

That would presumably be at weddings across the UK that are not the weddings of the gospel choirs’ own churches, where they would be likely to consider it more just ‘normal’ than a ‘craze’. For your edification Rachel, Gospel choirs have been singing at the weddings of of their own congregations for hundreds of years – you might not want to look into the history of it all though, you might find it a little distasteful. Best you just figure it as a ‘craze’ invented by Harry and Meghan – who I actually have little doubt would be horrified by your fashion accessory interpretation of their decision to include a gospel choir.

Summation

And there we have it readers, I promised we would not let our inexperience in the world of Royal correspondents prevent us from bringing you everything you wanted to know about today’s wedding. With the help of Rachel’s insight and Royal expert-dom, and her encyclopaedic knowledge of the harmful properties of everyday clothing items, we have not left you wanting. Unless you wanted to know anything about the happy couple’s interaction, or the service of course, anything that wasn’t a black man shouting, but why would you want to know that?

My thanks to the inspiration to Rachel Hosie, professional bitch, sorry, I mean Royal correspondent.

What a wonderful contribution you make to the world Rachel, you should be very proud.