Ibiza and Formentera have been placed on Orange Alert for Storm conditions by Spanish weather agency AEMET.

AEMET state that they cannot be sure when the worst of the storms will hit the Pitiuses, but they are certain it will. 

The storm warning has been applied from Monday 9th September until Friday 13th. That’s right folks, Friday the 13th. AEMET say their best guess is that Ibiza and Formentera will be hit on Tuesday. 

Storm Conditions

In scale, their prediction states rainfall of 50mm in one hour, which on past experience would overwhelm Ibiza’s drainage and sewerage systems. However the AEMET special report states an outside chance of up to 100mm of rain in one hour. 

The rain will be accompanied by winds of up to 80kmh, and conditions at sea will be treacherous by Mediterranean standards reaching storm force 7 and waves of up to 3 metres. 

The storm conditions result from a weather phenomenon known as a DANA, an Isolated Depression in High Pressure Conditions, by the Eastern Cantabrian. It is expected to move from north to south along the east coast of the Peninsula on Tuesday 10th, and then remain between the Spanish mainland southeast coast and north Africa during the following days, at least until Friday 13th.  

Below we have reprinted the full text alert from the Spanish Weather Agency, translated sufficiently for understanding, but not so perfectly as I’d miss my tea.  But first I caught up with an AEMET spokesperson earlier today. 

OFFICIAL: with Señor Miguel Imaginació

Speaking directly to The Ibizan today, Señor Imaginació said, “we know the storm is coming, we just cannot be sure when, and we do not want to look stupid like your Michael Fishy man”.

I asked the spokesperson if the storm could indeed hit on Friday the 13th, reminding him that I could get some serious clickbait traffic with a Friday 13th Ibiza Apocalypse headline.

“Shut up you stupid man” he replied “It is very important that people know the storm is coming and take precautions. It is essential people bring in any awnings and parasols and seal any doors that have let in floodwater before”. 

“Turds or Rats?”, I asked the AEMET spokesperson the question on everybody’s mind.

“Que vols dir, sorry, what do you mean?” he replied, with a look of both puzzlement and exasperation. I knew I had him rattled.

“Let me explain” I replied “The storm hits. The drains can’t cope. You’re up to your ankles in it, literally. In one hand, you’ve got baby, or a small child. Coming straight at you through the brown sewage is a big fat rat and a big, or even medium sized, human turd. You only have one hand free to fend them off. Which one is the worst of two unnecessary evils? What’s your next move?”   

“Personally I think if I were that person I would move to Santa Gertrudis, or anywhere less disgusting”

“Good answer” I had to give him that, “And what about Facebook? We know it will be a deluge (see what I did there) of people posting weather nuttyness. A palm tree with all its leaves going one way, bizarre. A shopkeeper sweeping out water, when will they learn? And of course, hilarity, some tourist lads in an inflatable boat, in the street, and that’s mad as that’s where the cars go, if you can believe that and they’re even still wearing sunglasses, brilliantly cheerful in the face of a storm. And not forgetting the Space car park, a big lake of shit! So I guess you guys love a bit of storm action, you will all be on Facebook, posting pictures of an impassable underpass, “oh no it’s full again”, or a video of a pedestrian getting soaked in an arch of brown shit fountain from a passing car, “oh no Im covered in shit”? You all looking forward to it?” 

“Let me ask you this” he said, as he was getting up to leave, obviously wanting a quick getaway in case my probing questions got too tough to handle “will you be on Facebook over the next few days Mr Gibbs?”

“Oh yes” I replied, “I’ll be there, keeping the public up to date with our ‘frequenta tormenta eventa’,” I told him “do you like that? quite catchy I think, it’s mainly English but by putting an ‘a’ on the end you can make it sound quite Spanish”

“Mr Gibbs if you are to be on the facebook then I think my advice to all of my friends, family, associates and casual acquaintances, would be to get off facebook now and for the duration. Good bye, and please do not contact me again.”

So there you have it folks. Wow. I have to say I’m delighted that AEMET are happy to leave it in my safe hands. And to recap on the storm, it isn’t definitely not Friday 13th, you should move to Santa Gertrudis, and get off facebook now. 

AEMET REPORT (this bit being entirely true)

1.- Weather phenomenon: Heavy or very strong and persistent showers and storms.
2.- Geographical scope: Mediterranean area.
3.- Beginning of the situation: Today, Monday, day 9 at the last hours.
4.- Duration: At least until Friday, day 13.
5.- Degree of probability: Very high (over 80%).
6.- Description of the meteorological situation:
As of the last hours of today, Monday, awaits the entry of a DANA (Isolated Depression in High Levels) by the Eastern Cantabrian, moving along Tuesday 10 from north to south on the east of the Peninsula and remaining, probably, stationary between the peninsular southeast and north Africa during the following days, at least until Friday, 13.This situation will affect the Mediterranean area more importantly, with showers often accompanied by storms, of strong or very strong intensity, intense winds and bad state of the sea, for several days.
There is little uncertainty regarding the entrance of the dana, its displacement on Tuesday by the peninsular and the permanence, during Wednesday and Thursday, in the southeast environment Peninsula and North Africa.
Yes there is uncertainty as to the evolution of the dana during the following days, although, most of the scenarios to date indicate a return to the north as well as a progressive weakening.
According to this evolution, the most intense rainfall is expected tonight and Tuesday in areas of Catalonia and the Balearic Islands, on Wednesday in the Valencian Community and the Balearic Islands, on Thursday in the peninsular southeast and, as of Friday and with greater uncertainty, in areas of the east and peninsular southeast and maybe Balearic.
It is quite likely that, during this episode, precipitation accumulations exceed 100 mm in large areas and that, on time, the showers reach the torrential intensity (greater than 60 mm / h).
Keep in mind that, small changes in the evolution of the dana and the regime of winds at low levels could displace maximum rainfall to other areas.
As for the wind, strong or very strong gusts are expected in the Mediterranean area, especially on the coastlines, starting Tuesday in Catalonia and the Balearic Islands and moving during the days following east and southeast peninsular. The state of the sea will be characterized by a wind with force 7 to 8 and coarse sea (with very thick sea areas offshore)