In a remarkable twist of events today Monday 17th of August, the Balearic Government reconvened their press briefing to give further details as to the new toughened Covid-19 regulations. 

Speaking to the assembled hacks, her holiness Francina Armengol said that “we’ve been having a chat round the back over some authentic Balearic brand Hierbas and Sobrasada, and we agreed that we should clarify some further points of detail as to our regulations in these what are uncertain times”.

The Balearic premier, clearly unsteady on her feet, said “let’s be ‘avin yer, where’s our eleventh man” and in doing so demonstrated that contrary to popular belief it is in fact possible to become more embarrassingly inebriated than Delia Smith. That’s just in here for the Ipswich fans – here’s looking at ya. 

Ibiza Latest: Pleasure Banned. Happiness Banned. Flag Waving Processions & Certain Beach Clubs Allowed.
Ibiza Latest: Pleasure Banned. Happiness Banned. Flag Waving Processions & Certain Beach Clubs Allowed.

Armengol went to eat a pie and have a lie down or something and was replaced by a very dull and very short man dressed entirely in those clothes that you only see in the 1930s, and weird backstreet shops of San An and Ibiza Town. The man, peering over the top of his belt, said “The Government’s position is clear; henceforth all acts of pleasure and happiness will be banned in Ibiza”.

Sex

An exception will be made for copulation where, should fulfillment be achieved, a slight whimper of delight will be considered acceptable. However, from Tuesday 18th of August, any rampant jiggy resulting in cries of ‘Oh Yes, Oh Yes’ will result in a visit by the black berets and their stinger strip. Carl Cox is reported to be consulting his lawyers immediately. 

Undermask Smiling

All police are being trained in the identification of undermask smiling. The authorities are concerned that due to the success of mask wearing regulations, they will find it difficult to ascertain who is actually happy. Their intensive course covers happiness identifiers such as the corner of a person’s eyes raising slightly, somebody holding a kebab, and staggering around with a lack of spatial awareness on ket cove at 5am. 

It is understood that implementation of the happiness protocols may be delayed until a method can be identified of including the black berets’ stinger strip. This follows the statement by the black berets that they don’t mind what they do, as long as it includes their stinger strip. Their spokesman said, “it’s just what we are about, stinger strips and looking hard. We don’t care that no one was going to drive off anyway, we just use stinger strips and make your wives dribble, that’s who we are”.

Royal Visit

One plucky journalist asked whether, in light of the stringent regulations prohibiting all mass assembly, it was consistent for the Royal family’s visit to include ‘the more the merrier’ public processions? “How can we tell our people that to avoid Corona they cannot stand at a bar and drink corona, but they can stand in the street and wave at the wearer of the corona”, he said, in what was widely accepted the be a most clumsy and convoluted failed attempt at being clever. 

Speaking for the Government, the little fella said, “well yes, but, y’know, something, am I bothered though? whatever, next question?”

That Beach Club

An even pluckier journalist, with no regard for his commercial future in Ibiza, asked how it was that despite the totally tough nature of the no pool parties, no nightlife, no anything announcements made today, that a particular beach club, that was actually a restaurant but we keep forgetting, seems to have escaped the reaches of the law yet again?

The small man said he thought the journalist had in fact enjoyed asking that question, which qualified as pleasure, and he was therefore deported to Menorca with immediate effect. 

 

More as we get it.


Now, I can’t believe I have to write here that this is a spoof. It kind of spoils it. But past experience tells me I do have to make that fact clear. None of this actually happened. Is it funny? I’ve no idea. It is born of frustration, and written without pause for breath or reflection. It is what it is.