We are pleased to announce the ‘Bite Me Ibiza’ annual awards. “Filling in the gaps for those to whom we do not need to ingratiate ourselves since 2019”. Established 2019.
At the tail end of award season it is left to us to pick up the pieces and make the awards that really don’t matter – to all those Ibiza people, parties and other stuff that have no commercial benefit in having an award.
Why, especially when it is only going to piss a few people off? Well, it is either this or get stuck into a mound of accounts and administration. Anyway, those people could lighten up a bit and try laughing at themselves. So here goes.
1. Best Food in Ibiza
Madeleines. Ibicenco cakes with a sort of bakewelly, mince pie-y kind of filling. You’ll often find them available in family run bars.
Runner up, Greixonera.
2. Best Cocktail in Ibiza
Bucket of Gin.
Goto Supermarket and fill bucket with ice, Larios (the normal one, not some ponsy pink vintage version), tonic water and lemon wedges.
Take to beach, and if wanting to vent a bit of Ibiza arse, drink as close as possible to one of the beach club exclusion tapes. Close enough to make the guards edgy, but never encroaching to give them cause to actually address you.
MMMmmmmmmm, slurpingly good.
3. Best Social Media Presence in Ibiza
Brian Beeswax. We have enjoyed his feed of cute farmyard animals and parties.
Nope, there really is no sarcasm or hidden message in this one, it is exactly as we are saying it. Best Social Media profile is Brian Beeswax. Goats and Clubs, occasionally Cars. Brilliant. (though somebody did tell us something a bit wanky about how you can shortcut membership to IWR).
4. Most annoying, just shut the funk up, for the love of God stop, I really can’t take any more of your bollocks, social media presence in Ibiza
In the absence of any other candidates we had to award this to our own editor Nick Gibbs, a complete tosser.
Speaking to him of the award Gibbs said “I am grateful to receive recognition. I do not know what it is, but I seem to lack empathy or something. It is like I am just a little off kilter from the rest of mankind – everything I say seems just slightly bollocks. Sometimes complete bollocks, but it is the fact I am compelled to say something about everything that really grinds my gears. People have tried to talk to me about it, but ironically for the same mildly autistic reasons I just won’t listen. It is like I probably mean well, but I can’t resist it, though I know it will be awful – a bit like Chinese Food in Ibiza, which may or may not be covered in another one of your awards perhaps”, Gibbs continued, “oh and and thanks for not telling me about the award before I’d won it, thereby saving me the hideous spectacle of begging for votes” he waffled on, seemingly determined to alienate another few Ibiza faces.
5. Worst Ethnic Food in Ibiza
All chinese food in any restaurant operated by a family who look both terrified and exhausted. Notable by the special achievement of offering a menu comprised entirely of floor sweepings, salt and shame.
This is actually quite a sad one as if they only realised how tastes had developed in recent years they could drop the glycero-sodium concentrate, get some sleep, and be a whole lot happier.
6. Best Unfashionable Hotel cabaret act
That bloke Alfred or Albert is it? Whichever his name, as unfashionable as hotel cabaret may be, Albert’s one man show is genuinely great fun for the whole family.
7. Drink of 2019
8. Most Bewildering Regulation of 2019
Take your pick. Though we particularly liked the proposed new regulations of the Balearic Government to spend a shit load creating a tourist control zone on top of the existing tourist control zone already created by the San Antonio Ajuntament.
9. Artist about whom we have heard the most Outrageous Hearsay stories that we can’t publish in 2019 even if we wanted to
Like Mike and Dimitri Vegas
10. Most annoying eco-nonsense
Plastic Straws. Not that a reduction in plastic straw use is in itself nonsense, but a continuation of a luxury 4×4 lifestyle whilst assuaging guilt by a rejection of plastic straws most certainly is.
11. A few people we love who don’t get the praise they deserve as there are not any awards for just being cool without any commercial interest
Tricia Templeton, doles out loads of genuinely helpful advice and information to people who are not always as grateful as their mothers would want them to be. Margaret who raises tons of cash for charities and whose efforts are largely unheralded. Viva Cala Llonga, a group who show the rest of us how to get up and get stuff done, instead of getting on the keyboard to moan.
12. Best Analogue Person in Ibiza
Vaughn, he of Pacha’s Funky Room and Babylon Beach’s rest rooms. The one person we know in Ibiza who remains entirely free of Social Media and pretty well the internet in its entirety – thereby creating the self evident situation that he’ll never know how proud we are of him for doing so.
13. Best Publication in Ibiza
The newly launched Nativ, who kindly pointed out how lacking in quality, credibility and objectivity the rest of us are. We are duly humbled in their presence.
14. Most Annoying Phrase in 2019
“I voted to leave but I don’t really know much about it”.
15. Best Niche Festival where nobody got stabbed but many people revealed latent racist tendencies
That would be Merky.
15. Most Obvious Business Venture in Ibiza
Anything to do with Weddings.
16. Best Drugs in Ibiza
Ibuprofeno 600mg – bangin’.
17. Readers’ Choice
This one is up to you.