The Spud – San Antonio Egg to be replaced by Giant Potato for St Patrick’s Day 2017

English people to be phased out in coming months. “They are a stupid people” says spokesman.

Nick O’Gibbs 11/3/2017

The Ibizan can exclusively reveal plans by San Antonio town hall to replace the town’s landmark Egg with a Giant Potato in time for the St Patrick’s day festivities on Friday March 17th.

The Spud roundabout, as it will be known, is part of an initiative by the municipality to foster good relations with the Irish community in anticipation of Britain’s forthcoming exit from the EU.

“Frankly we prefer the Irish over the English anyway” said a spokesman, “there are a lot of people in the town hall looking forward to seeing the back of the English” he continued, “we would have done something about it earlier, but it was only quite recently we realised you were from different countries.”

The town hall have invested in a training programme to help staff identify the Irish from the English. “It is pretty clever stuff” he told us. “first we test how uptight the person is. Anywhere from ‘quite uptight’ to ‘anally clenched’ and we know we have an Englishman, but as a fail-safe we then do a comprehension test. Again it is remarkably simple” he explained “We ask you to talk for a couple of minutes, and if we can’t understand a word you are saying, we know for sure you are an Irish friend”

According to sources in the council, a small number of English people will be allowed to remain to act as interpreters and scapegoats.

A potato, yesterday.

“This Brexit thing is a real blessing in disguise as far as we are concerned. We get rid of the English and all their disgusting food and bloody flags – and why do they have all the bloody flags, don’t they know that you win football matches by being good at football, not by waving bloody flags. They are a stupid people. And there are too many of them. We had a meeting last week and decided we were all so rich now that we don’t need their stupid money.”

“Ibiza and Ireland have a lot in common” he told us. “Both of our names start with the same letter, but think about this, both of the names we have from the bastards that try to rule us begin with ‘I’, but our real names both begin with ‘E’. How about that? Proof we were meant to be friends.”

The council have put considerable thought into what they describe as a ‘natural connection’. “Ibiza has never had any snakes, and your St Patrick got rid of yours, so that’s another one, no snakes. After that we couldn’t think of anything else” he admitted “but snakes, and letters, it’s a thing.”

We asked how Wales would be affected, and all he could tell us was that providing no more were washed up on Porroig shore it shouldn’t be a problem.

On asking about their policy to Scottish people I was told that they would like to talk about it, but still hadn’t found one they have even come close to understanding. “We thought they made that noise because they were ill” said the spokesman.

I asked if the council were worried that the enormous Potato would be seen as insulting to the Irish community, actually quite derogatory and, well, racist?

He said no, they definitely would not, as he had checked with one of them he knew really well, and they said it was funny.

“We know that the Spud will be the start of a great future together” he said “oh, and I’ve just thought of another thing we have in common, the Irish and the Ibizans have the same idiotic dance, you know, skipping about the place with our feet while our arms are stuck to our sides like we’ve had an upper body stroke”

I asked him whether he would check if that was actually true, just to be sure.

“To be sure?” he asked.

Sorry I didn’t catch that.

“To be sure”

Sorry once more.

“To be sure”

Thanks, perfect.

St Patrick’s Day San Antonio …

March 17th marks St Patrick’s Day celebrations in every corner of the globe, as attested by Sinéad Ní Hairmhí in her message below. As worldwide party masters, Ibiza really needs to put on a good show of it. So rather than just give a list of individual events, we thought we’d try and festival it up a bit.

OK nobody’s claiming a 4 pub crawl in San An is going to be challenging New York or Dublin in the levels of craic on offer, but a 4 pub crawl is what we’ve got so we’ll have to make the most of it. We have even provided ‘how to walk there’ instructions. You might not think it necessary now, but at some point on March 17th it might be a lifesaver. Of course doing the route twice turns it into an 8 pub crawl, thrice is 12, and beyond that the maths might be unrealistically ambitious.

Stevie D’s

have their usual great drink offers, and 8€ for 3 pints of Guinness is pretty damn good right.

The WKD and friends might not feel very St Patrick’s to your casual observer, but when you see how many Kopparberg’s go over the counter in Joe Spoon’s during summer who knows, perhaps it will take over as the national drink. Perish the thought.

Flaherty’s

are open for their first St Patrick’s day, and determined to mark it with a very special day. Plus few would argue it is a lifesaver in being a halfway house between the bay and the furthest of our featured bars, Mint.

Mint

will be doubling up their opening party with St Patricks, and we have received official confirmation that customers are welcome to have double the fun. We’ve no doubt a few revellers, the sensible sort, will be treating themselves to a mint menu to line themselves for the following festivities, and you’ll be able to get some Ibiza party feel from the DJ line up (see ad front page), including some bloke called Juanito Chanclas. Never heard of him.

The Ship

are the longest standing of Ibiza’s St Patrick’s day parties, and with Irish staff, Irish food and Irish musicians it does sound like the place for that fix of the right stuff. Of course the Huddle used to be able to offer all of that, but as all three of those functions were Sean it is kind of cheating.

Sadly Father Jacks will not be open for the first time in many years, but on the upside be great to have the East Coast contingent join in the party in San An.

Well it might not warrant a tourist train, but be cool if the 4 venues got their heads together and organised a shuttle min-bus.  We’ll leave that thought with them.

In the meantime we thought we’d ask a few of Ibiza’s Irish resident community to tell us of their St Patrick’s day past, and got some airmail wishes from our man in Andorra, and for nostalgia fans Sean has said hello.

All for a bit of any culture me, but I am afraid my Gaelic is rather limited. Very limited. 3 words actually. And so I say to one and all,

Póg Mo Thóin

(talking of which, if anyone bumps into Sean McGowan, let’s get him along. I danced on stage with him once. When I tell you that story again on St Patrick’s day, as I surely will,  feel free to ignore me).

 

From the Residents …


Sinéad Ní Hairmhí

From: Dublin

Ibiza St Patrick’s: 12 & counting

Most Memorable St Patricks: In a random Irish bar in Alice Springs in Australia. Literally in the middle of nowhere. Amazing. You’ll always find a welcoming Irish Bar wherever you are.


Niall Dempsey

From: Limerick

Ibiza St Patrick’s: None yet!

Most Memorable St Patricks:  Spent in New York, ended up behind a bar called Jameson’s on Lexington avenue for a bit of craic, ended up attempting to go ice skating afterwards at the Rockefeller centre while extraordinarily inebriated


Patrick Curran

From: Conmemara Galway

Ibiza St Patrick’s: 4

Most Memorable St Patricks: 36 hour session started in farther jacks . Night out in Ibiza town in the theatro peatro. Then playing cards then swimming in playa del bossa and falling asleep on the beach and missing the flight the next day


Dwayne Nolan

From: Fermanagh

Ibiza St Patrick’s: 4, This year I’m in Ireland but having a quiet one before Miami. Normally at the Huddle with Sean and the crew

Most Memorable St Patricks: Last year fell on pintxos so I went out for a few with Tony from Candy Apple & surfaced at a Villa party the following day. Safe to say it was a good paddys day!


Seán Conway, of Huddle, Ibiza’s iconic Irish bar.

I’ve enjoyed, over the years, spending St Patricks Day in many locations across Europe and the USA. A couple of them, in Las Vegas, in the company of good friends from Ibiza being particular highlights! However my absolute favourite ones were spent in The Huddle Bar in San Antonio with the Jameson flowing, Hairy Marin and Dani playing the music and mighty craic being had by all!

This year I’ll be in the rather less glamorous, though no less fun, Leeds Irish Centre and will raise a glass to those I’ve shared that day with over the years. So to all my friends in Ibiza, Lá Fhéile Pádraig Sona Duit, have a great day and I’ll see you all in a couple of weeks when the hangover subsides! Sláinte Mhaith!


The Ibizan’s Stephen Donovan, from Andorra

Not to be a stereotypical Irish person but I love Paddys Day, it’s like Christmas but with more drink. Hope everyone in Ibiza has a great day and enjoys a few pint of Guinness. I’ll be celebrating St. Patrick’s Day up the Pyrenees Mountains of Andorra in The Dubliner Irish Bar with my fellow Ibiza Workers.

See you all soon, Naomh Sàsta Là Pàdraig.

 

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Nicholas Gibbs
Editor of The Ibizan - previously, and for many people eternally, known as The Ibiza Sun.