PLEASE NOTE THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS VERY STRONG AND OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE, CRUDE AND EXPLICIT SEXUAL REFERENCES
NOT SUITABLE FOR MINORS
All aboard the Love Boat! That’s her nickname anyway. She is really Maureen, a 48 year old credit controller from Dereham.
Filthy Filthy Riba Ribas
As if August isn’t already hot and confusing enough, Friday morning the island will have 700 swingers joining the Ibizan melting pot for a weekend of hot or not, though to be fair, probably not.
The arrival has caused chaos in the Eco tax department at Ibiza Consell HQ. Collections manager J Ribas Ribas said they had never faced a similar challenge. How are we supposed to apply a tax per bed when they might have 10 people in the bed? and then there are 4, and then none, and then 4 plus 17 of the crew.
There are suggestions that the swingers are in fact not swingers at all, but are swinging in Ibiza solely for the purposes of avoiding the eco-tax. “These are normal middle aged people” said Ribas Ribas “they are normal, they have no interest in sex with their wives at all, but they are driven wild by the lure of financial profit and become beasts”.
We pointed out to Ribas Ribas that the non swinging swingers had paid between 3,000€ and 10,000€ per person and so the prospect of saving 20€ seemed an insufficient reason for becoming a swinger.
Ribas Ribas told us that it was a fair point and that it must be because they are just filthy, filthy, filthy people.
He seemed distracted so we contacted the cruise directly in advance of their docking at 8am Friday.
The VIP Love Boat
We were able to ascertain that the cruise is taking place aboard the Azamara Quest, which is 181 metres in length and 11 storeys high.
There are 345 couples (690 passengers) on board, most of whom are from the United States.
This swinger cruise package is named ‘Rumba Mediterránea’ in honour of its first trip of this type that was in the Mediterranean in 2012. There have been further cruises since but this is the first time the swingers have returned to Ibiza which is by an “overwhelming request” according to a Rumba organiser.
It seems that free love comes at quite a price with the per person rate between 2,340 euros and 10,600 euros for luxury cabins. So in total, a couple can pay 21,270 euros for their Mediterranean cruise.
Swinging Class System
There are strict social rules regarding the swinging between the classes. “You can’t expect us folk who can afford 20,000 to swing with someone paying 4,000!” said a beergut called Bruce from Toledo. “They ain’t nothing but animal brutes, shit some of their wives ain’t even got dead eyes yet” he said, whilst nodding Abigail from Kansas’ head for her.
Below stairs things are very different. Those who have paid the minimum to get on board are restrained to the cargo holds with only brief periods of coming up for air allowed before being forced to go down again. “it’s alright for the rich ones up top” said Rory who had joined the trip from Dublin, fleeing English persecution. “Too right” he said “one more English stag party and I couldn’t have been held responsible. But we have a good craic down here. Just the one like, most of them are well battered, so she’s in quite high demand.”
“They think they’re better than us up there, but any one of them would swap all their money to be Johnny E”.
Rory was referring to the fabled hero of the working class swinger, Johnny E. I asked him to tell me more, with more of an Irish trapped below decks kind of feel in case people weren’t getting it.
“for sure, to be sure, for you that’ll be no problem, likeable so i am, to be sure. Us below decks normal swinger types downtrodden we may be but we’re not impressed by the English VIP Swinger bastards evicting good irish swinger folk and moving in their own VIP swinger pals.”
Rory pulled no punches in portraying his tale of the massive effect of VIP privilege inside and outside of the swinger world. “We know. We know what’s coming right enough. We know when we join that non vip queue what’s coming. The world’s savage injustice for the accident of birth. Over on the other side of the velvet rope, their VIP queue, their exclusive VIP area. There they are, moving at exactly the same speed as your own one, like you were normal to be sure, to be sure, until you were to the front and then kapow!. Right between the eyes. All of their rights and privileges, right in front of your face and you couldn’t ignore it, plain and simple. Fact is they get a slightly less obnoxious bouncer, and we just have to watch it and suck it up. But they know. They know and we know. They are VIP and better than us. ”
Such injustice over centuries has made them hate the ruling VIP classes and nowhere more than the VIP swinger classes.
“With all their ridiculous rules and etiquette. It is considered correct form that the wife of a lower class cabin should publicly announce that the better who banged her has a manhood equal to whatever size grey goose bottle his class of cabin warrants.
“People always think Grey Goose is about money, and now it is, but originally it was used by the VIP swingers as an unspoken rule. The bigger that man’s grey goose, the bigger cock he is. Course you’d never say it, ‘Oi mate, you must be a really big cock’ but we all thought it. Then the non-swinger VIPs took it over and it lost all its meaning in the clubs. I’ve no idea what it means now but you wouldn’t dream of shouting out to a man with a Grey Goose bottle in a nightclub ‘Oi mate, you are a huge enormous cock’ now would you. But the upper class still hang on to it. I’ve heard 3 wives say the bloke in the Captain’s Excelsior Deluxe Platinum has a penis the size of a 10 litre bottle.
Rory continued in his explanation of VIP Swingers warped lifestyle. “Well you certainly wouldn’t have thought he had 10 litres under there by the way his wife was getting through them last night. Like an AHDC kid at crazy golf she was. And when they said ‘see if you can get the 18th hole in one’, nobody knew she’d take it as a mathematical challenge.”
I asked Rory to tell me more about the new VEP.
“Its just incredible. That man does had one very erect penis. he’s been going strong since we left Rome and is now on his third round of the wives”.
Rory told me that gossip is rife saying that one unhappy bride from the first class accommodation could not resist the allure of VEP. “They were discovered in the stern, but he told me he had already been at the bow twice so fair play to him.
“He told me that at first she wasn’t putting out. Wanted to have some magic moment singing at the front of the boat with her arms in the air. I said to him whatever did you do Jonny, how does a man deal with that? He said to me I’ll tell you this one for free. It looked a bit wobbly up the front there it did. So i gave her a little shove. Sure there was nothing else she could grab for than my emergency handrail in the right place at the right time. The rest is easy. You find once your cock has saved a girl’s life, she feels duty bound.
” Ah you know all the tricks Jonny I said to him and he says to me, ‘but please don’t forget that my main purpose in this piece is to justfy the VEP gag, and hate the English bastards, particularly the bastard husband of my posh hot wife, and she grabbed his jewels, just to try and be sure people know what you’re on about. What do you do you think he meant …
But I didn’t wait to hear the rest of Rory’s question, I’d done with him.
Just Have Sex
Back on board the Azamara Ques, in addition to public rooms where ‘having sex’ is considered one of the more popular pastimes, there are, no, actually that is all the brochure says. Just ‘have sex’.
Er, regular competitive sports such as car keys in ashtray throwing are a popular choice, and the always hotly contested blind man’s muff where a man has to do a line of wives whilst blindfolded and try to guess which one is his own.
At night the swingers achieve the impossible and somehow managing to make the whole thing sound seedier than it already does, with their themed sex parties.
They let their imaginations run wild, for example, during their stay in Italy, they had a party themed on the Roman Empire. Genius, who would have thought.
Casino Royal, Grand Prix, 80’s night and Pirates of the Caribbean are all on the agenda, however their special Ibiza party on Friday night is a real treat.
Traditional Ibiza Shafting
The Ibiza party is based on being vigorously penetrated anally whilst having your money taken from you.
This authentic Ibiza experience is arranged by Ibiza Travel as part of Ibiza’s World Heritage status under a special scheme designed to share local pastimes with tourists.
I went to talk to Ribas Vincent Vicente Ribas, one of 200 Ibicencos who gave input to the format of the night.
“The greatest expression of being a happy Ibicenco would be the tradition of the Mantzana, the ritual act of shafting the tourists, said Ribas Vincent Vicente Ribas, “we have been doing it for so long now, we know nothing else,”
“We told everyone we were killing a pig in a pit but all the time we were just filling it with money.”
But it seems it wasn’t all easy for the young Ibicenco men. “we didn’t know what we were doing. How could we, we were young men and it was all so new. We should have said we were slaughtering a cow. Much bigger pit for more money, ah we know now of course.”
He continued. “You know it still gives me so much pleasure, but I am older now than i was. There is nowhere left to put the money. every hole is full, every pit to the top. You know in my father’s time he told me that one year he had so much money to bury that he painted an elephant pink and cut off its trunk in an effort to pass it off as a pig.”
“But I have worked hard” he continued, “it is not easy to keep taking more. sometimes you stop and think this is madness. But the more we fuck them in the arse the more they like it”
Ribas Vincent Vicente Ribas, threw up his hands in an expression of disbelief. “you know that for 30 years, and none of you know this. I am telling you for the first time, for the last 30 or 40 years the head of each Ibicenco family has been fighting in a war of honour.”
“Each man had to raise his prices again and again. The man who lost the business of the English would suffer shame. The man who would not dare to continue raising his price, would be shamed in all the island. We were always a bit short for sport, and you’ve probably seen our dancing, so this is how we would amuse ourselves.”
“But it never happened” he told me. “I remember in the old days, the excitement. You would hear them in the square and they would say ‘hey, have you heard, Vincent Ribas Ribas Vicente is making them pay 1 euros for some water’. We would laugh and say they cannot be so crazy. Then the head of the other family, V Vincent Ribas Ribas Ribas would put the price to 1 euro and fifty cents. We would hold our breath and think that must be it. They will never pay, they will never come back.
“But no, still they came. And this went on and on for many years. 3 euros, 5 euros, it did not stop them, but, and this is the crazy, crazy thing, the more we shafted them the more they came. The higher the price the more they wanted it.
“Back then we had some fun and some laughs in the families”. Ribas Vincent Vicente Ribas told me about the infamous Pacha in august. “Each family would have Pacha for one week. And the victorious family would be the one who could fill the club so much, every person shoulder to shoulder with no possibility of movement.”
“But it was not easy. You could not charm people to come into the club. There was a strict rule that the door staff had to be at least arrogant, but for 10 minutes every hour they had to go crazy for no reason.”
“Thinking back it was bad. We were like gods, i remember Ricardo Rio, he was with me for ever. I remember he had a tourist abused and humiliated until he cry. he started to cry on the door. Rio said to that man. If you want to come in you have to prove it. He made him get down on his knees and clean his espadrilles with his tongue. And every 5 minutes he took one more £10 notes and the man would beg to enter. and again Rio would tell him maybe and have him lick his shoes and give him money, and it went on for so long. so, so, long. Magic moments.
“It is this night when Ricardo Rio took the humiliation and shafting of the tourist to a level of an art-form that we celebrate in our world heritage day anal shafting. Others may be able to fuck people over, but only us can keep doing it for so long. so long. It is an art.”
I asked where Ricardo Rio was now. “Ach, that bastard. He was with me 22 years. I gave him everything. Food, espadrilles, his perms. food. He wanted for nothing. ”
“He cheated on me. All i had done and it was like he took the money from my favourite pit. I caught him with his hands in the till. Banging to rights. Of course he pleaded. He said ‘my hands have to be in the till because you make me do the till every night’. that he had been the only one i had trusted for 10 years. Yes I told him. and look at how you repay me.”
“Ach, it was OK, I had 20 kg of cocaine planted on him by the chief of police. Things like that were so easy. We did not even have to wait for the drugs to be tested, why would we, the chief used his own drugs so we knew they were the best quality.
“I forget that bastard rotting in his cell, and now I always cut the arms off some south americans for the job of counting my till. Not many of them can manage to get the coins into the paper rolls so i must fire them and get more. People think we have it easy. But every time i must pay for sawdust and pay for Jose Ribas Jose Josep to come with his knife stone for sharpening. Bastards.”
Feeling matters were taking a rather dark tone I steered Vincent Ribas Ribas Vicente back to happier times.
“The best of it was over. We were getting more and more desperate for ways to feed our habit. We were doing more but the high was getting less and less. I remember the night it all changed and i thought that was it. It is finished.
“It was the Ribas Ribas family week at Pacha and they announced they were going to put their gardener on as a DJ, some guiri, French i think, called David. They said they would charge 80€ entry and not only would they fill it with people paying 80€ to see their gardener DJ, they would make everybody they fucked buy a shirt saying Fuck Me.”
“We had done some crazy things, but nobody thought this could work. Surely they would snap. But of course they did not. And after that night I think we all knew the fun had gone. It started to fall apart in the families. ”
“The Ribas Jose Ribas Jose Jose family broke away. They said they wanted to return to a traditional values of contempt and selfishness, like their own Amish community in Ibiza. So it was agreed they would be the taxi company, and they are to this day.
The Importance of keeping Illogical
What he told me next really was interesting.
“We got so bored that we decided to put a computer in charge. And since 2003 we have run the island by automated computer.
I had heard whispers about the real power behind the scenes in Ibiza politics. But this was the first time I had heard it from an Ibicenco.
“It is harder than you think. To take random decisions is easy. That is no challenge at all. But we needed to find a solution that would only ever take a completely illogical decision in relation to the last decision taken. It took a year to settle in and has been running since in charge of everything.
“The importance is in maintaining a feeling among the people that their views have some purpose, some theoretical ability to make change. That the government is within their reach.
“But we just feed them a never ending stream of baffling decisions. They are so confused trying to work out what is actually happening that they never get close to us. Before they have a chance to we will feed them something else. Providing each decision and every policy is baffling and illogical compared to the last , the system works very well. Do you know that in 2016 we passed 18 laws with tough new sanctions, all passed, all with big press conferences, and we did not do a single thing on one of them.
“And of course social media has been a godsend. We are just disappointed in ourselves for not thinking of Ibiza Winter Residents first. It is like a treadmill for the people. They get excited and the argue and they agree and all say something should be done. But as long as we feed them something new.
“There was just one scare in 2015. Somebody made an appointment to come and see some records in the Consell archives. But we dealt with it quickly enough. I told Ribas Ribas those goats would be useful one day.
I asked if he was attending the Friday night anal shafting party.
“I am getting old, but this VIP swingers group give me hope for the future.” he explained. “It is good to know that when we are unable to fuck everybody any more, they can do it to each other for us.”
Participation of the Press
I walked to the meeting, however Ribas Vincent Vicente Ribas did not see that as any reason not to have two Policemen serve me with a parking denuncia because i could not produce a valid ticket. “You outsiders do not understand our ways” he said and fined me 1260,32€ , coincidentally enough the exact amount i had in by bank account. The Policemen handed him the notes and kept the 32c cash
“You are here so I may as well give you this” he said
“What is it?
“It is a press release detailing that in a police operation today we caught 32 hooligan tourists for parking in the west end on terraces without car parking permission authority”
The release was headed’We must be nice to our tourist visitors’ and then continued, ‘Police say all 32 arrested men were heard to say”I fucking hate spain me. I’m going to sell as many drugs as i can and then be sick on your grandmother’
It continued that a businessman, RVVR , had offered to buy the entire of the west end for 1260,00€
The consell statement said they would continue working for the improvement and benefit of San Antonio, to which end it had passed a new law banning all cars from san antonio and extending pedestrianisation under a new scheme where pavements on the right would be used for odd numbered hours and pavements on the left for even numbered hours. off licences would now be permitted to sell alcohol only when closed and the west end had to keep their terraces open during the hours of mauve. Henceforth all live singers must be dead before they can apply for a permit. Then there was a picture of a cat.
Ribas Vincent Vicente Ribas, Ibiza for the cunnce
Knowing my time with Ribas Vincent Vicente Ribas had come to an end, I went along the corridor to meet the always smiling Jose Jose Vicente Ribas to ask him of the forthcoming friday night cultural event organised for the VIP swingers.
“I happy to see you. Please can tell the English people that on Friday Ibiza is very special. Please tell them that it is ok they are stupid. We do not worry. On Friday we are all friends. But of course not with the ones in the West. On Friday you say we have “an experience of cultural by the Ibiza tourist board who say they are delighted to know that the Americans will receive this real traditional insight to our island culture. “We want the world should say, so sorry my English muy mal, very bad, Ibiza is a history now of equal. Before in the years the man was most important. We celebrate the man and his, er, how you say, co-ck, si, cock, its funny yes, cock, ja ja ja. But now we are for the equal. We must not be just for the man’s cock, no no no, we want an ibiza that is for cunces too. Ibiza wants cunnnces. es correcto si, cunnzz,?”
“necesita un t, cortado, similar al té, té” I helpfully advised.
“ah, sorry, Now I understand. We want Ibiza to be for the cunts. We want Ibiza to have the best cunts in the world, that everybody will know we are the Island of cunts. Ibiza welcomes all cunts, please we like the cock but now we are cunts.